Christmas Sucks...,

I am not a religious person, in fact I do not even know exactly what we are suppose to be celebrating and if we are WHY does it require us spending so much money? There seems to be so much put on us emotionally on the holidays, and I Hate it! Like the Rest of the year just doesn't matter!

This year my Husband's other daughter didn't show up because she didn't have a car... my Mother in Law didn't bother to show up because she wasn't invited... Younger Brother didn't show up because he wasn't invited... Older brother decided he needed a break, and took off to Palm Springs... So it was me and my Family and I was very grateful my oldest son was hear to spend the night and day with us, my father, and my two beautiful nieces. It seemed as if we were being haunted by the one's who were not here. The house was happy but at the same time seemed empty.

I am a very black and white person, there is right and there is wrong, it doesn't matter if you are invited, or need a break the holidays are expected to be spent with family, period. In my eyes that is just the way it is. Now do I realize that not everyone in the world is as smart as me, yes I do. I have never been able to put myself before anyone much less before the ones I care about and the fact that they do hurts my heart.

I feel this wall going back up that I have tried so very hard to knock down and by the way, keep down, but it is just easier to build it stronger than to keep fighting to keep it down. I mean really neither brother bother to call, text, or even email me so really what the hell is the point. When I do stop trying neither one of the will even notice, it will just be saving me all the heartache of trying.

So it is not just Christmas that Sucks it is my families prioritizes and their thoughtless actions.But on a positive note I made a GREAT Meal and shared it with Great People who cared enough to spend it with me.

How do you sleep?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bsXRqI1WbI

I logged on today wanting to post somethings that I need to say out loud somewhere, and then I just spent the last hour and half reading someone else blog crying my eyes out so that should set the tone really well for this post.

I actually have a few things I wanted to write about, I wish I would get on here more often and write.

I would like to start with school, for the first time in my life I am really enjoying it. It has taken over my life and is quit the daily challenge but I love it! The best part is that I am also doing pretty well. It takes a lot for me to understand some things but I work really hard and my grades have been my own personal reward. I have a 1000 word essay due in two weeks that has me very stressed, but the way I look at it is, if that is all I have to be stressed about, well then I'm good...

Up next is the Golden Child, remember the one that I lost my mind over this last year, well not a damn thing has changed in his life except the way I handle him. I swear I will go to my grave, Never EVER, enabling him EVER again. I will always love him more than life it self, but I will not continue to be part of him ruining his life.

Last October before his 19th birthday he finally decided to have his own opinion, that did not go over well, as controlling as I had always been over him and since then he has spent the last year trying to find his own space in time. He will, he will because he is a great kid with the biggest heart of almost anyone I know, so I know he will be okay. It's getting him away from people whom still enable him to do nothing with his life, which leads me to my next issue...

I heard a song today which was the inspiration for me wanting to write. Jesse McCartney - How do sleep? It's been about a year now - Ain't seen or heard from you - I been missin' you crazy - How do you how do you sleep - Damn those sweet memories - How do you how do you sleep -

If you never understand one thing about please try and understand that a piece of my heart will always belong to Michael. He was my soul mate, we were meant to spend our lives together but life chose a different path for us, Michael, drugs and 15 years in prison, me - I had our son to rise.

Even through a divorce and a new marriage I still kept Michael in life, he was gone but still in my heart. So when he finally was home our boy was a man, and my soul belonged to another. Because of my craziness and all this drama with our son that I have blamed him for -It's been about a year now, I ain't seen or heard from him, I been missin' him crazy how do you sleep damn those sweet memories, how to you how do sleep?

For 28 years he was there, somewhere he was there. Now there is no contact we may never speak again, but I will always love him and that will never change, I just hope I can stop hating him.

I'm going to call this one in. Hopefully I'll be back soon. 

I was never meant to have a friend

Maybe there is a reason why I have never had very many close friends. I am so lousy at it. I really am the worse friend a person could have. The will is there, I want to be a good friend to everyone, but never seem to be to, and in return no one is to me. 

It's like any other relationship right? NO it's not because it really is more work than a "relationship" because there is no commitment. You are not commitment to your friends any more than they are to you. If they choose that something else is more important than that is what it is. Whether it hurts you or them it is what it is, that is part of being friends you learn to take them as they are and still love them. 

The idea of having a friend waiting on the other end just to tell me how their day was and what happened at work is a nice thought but I know that will never happen again for me. I will never have that. I will never have a person that I could call anytime of day or night and except that they will care why I am calling. Maybe this goes back to not feeling connected to anyone. I don't have a connection to anyone in my life. 

As much as I want to have a best friend I just don't see it ever happening again... I don't see anyone in my life making a commitment to me unless a piece of paper tells them they have to, (until they choose something else as well). 

I have lost so many people I care about that are still alive and there is nothing I can do expect sit and wait for them to decide that I am important again. But when they decide will I even want them to be part of my life again? I guess that will depend on how important they were to me in the first place. I do not open myself to very many people because of this and the more it happens the less I will try. So maybe I was never meant to have a friend.

I need it to stop hurting

My heart hurts, my chest hurts, my face is raw and I need it to all stop hurting. I should go see someone about this but if I did they would probably lock me up for a 72 hour hold. I feel like I am losing my mind, all I do is cry, and no one cares. Not one person in this house even ask if I am okay. Maybe it is because it is all they have seen in the last year.

Sometimes I feel like this all people hear from me. James this, James that, but I have to admit he is a huge part of my heart. And not seeing or speaking to him hurts me everyday. I have went through so many different phases this last year about losing him, at this point I just want it to be over with. I want everything to get back to normal and I want all the drama to stop.

But I am slowly learning that what I think is normal will never be again. Michael (ex-husband) and James (oldest son) are just not a part of my life any more. Now I'm sure sometime in the future James will be again but it will not be for a while. I found out by going through his facebook this week that James has been doing drugs. So I lost my mind again, with both of them, only to wake with regret and have done nothing but cry since. One good thing that came out of this incident is that he deleted me, now I can't read it even if I wanted to I don't have to ever see it again.

I haven't done my school work which is very important to me but there is just nothing willing me to do anything. I even deleted my facebook account, but found out that once you enter the Facebook world you can never really leave. Even if you deactivate your account it's kind of like you are just turning off the lights and it is waiting for you just to turn it back on. Everything on the Profile stays the same, it is just turned off.

Regrettable by doing that I also found out that NOBODY even missed me. Not one person even knew I was gone, not even my own husband knew what I had done.  I hate feeling like this, sad and needy. I just want it to be done once and for all, just be done. So that's all for now, I'm sure I'll feel better later...

It's been while

So I finally decided to post another blog and realized it has been a very long time since the last one. Wow and have some things changed in my life. Well, I have been to a depression and back... I have let go of my oldest son, which was the single most hardest thing I have ever done in my life (which by the way caused the depression). And I have started back to school (which by the way pulled me out of the depression). 

So much has happen in my life, I wish I was a better writer, or at least someone who could reminder to do it more than twice a year. Life is pretty good these days, I am happy with the way things are today. 

I decided to start back to school after a conversion with my older brother. I had been wanting to but like everything else that is for me I put it off. So John confirmed that the credits would be transferable if I choose to transfer and there it was no more excuses. 

I was in the middle of Baseball/Softball Season, trying to work, oh and trying to have a nervous breakdown because my oldest had lost him Damn mind, and it hit me, when was there ever going to be a good time? When do I make the time for me? So I drove mile down the street and went to the school and left there a student, everything signed, including all the financial information ( was able to get it all on line). I did not talk to anyone about it I just went and did it. Then a month later my classes started and oh yeah I still had not told my family yet. Needless to say they were quit surprised to learn what I had done and what I was doing.

It has been an adjustment for them, dealing with everything not being just about them. And now some of things are about Mom, and what Mom may need or want. For the most part it has been a good thing, they give me my study time and have even helped me out a little bit. 

It has consumed my life I do not have time for anything else. I wake up I read and read and read then I will usually work on my posts or assignments at night while they are all at football practice. I like it, as hard as it seems sometimes I really do like the challenge, and I like having something to do that is for me. Something that is going to make me a better person. Now let's just keep our fingers crossed that I finish....

Approval

Well this is a perfect example of the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing... I wrote this following blog last April 21st and though it was posted just found it and realized it was not posted. Okay so now I will post and move on to the next.


I didn't realize how needy I had become, till I saw myself wanting her approval. I lost my mother 13 years ago, I lost one of my grandmothers 10 years ago and the other one 6 years ago, I lost my sister 4 years ago and I have never had a relationship with my evil mother in law. I was very close to both my ex sister in laws and still kinda am with one but it's not the same as it use to be. I've had a couple of really close girl friends but we have went a stray as well.

I didn't realize how much I missed having a "women" figure person in my life, till I was making dinner for my current sister in law and her friends. I wanted her approval so bad, and still don't know why. I seem to be this lost puppy following everything she does, except of course her kick boxing, which proves to me she has to be crazy! She has inspired me in ways she will never even know. She makes me want to be a better person. I just can't figure out why now, why have I latch on to her, like if I let go, I will drown. She has been a part of my life now for almost 10 years, with a couple of up and downs.

I'm confused, I'm sure it has more to do with not having a "women" person in my life, than it does have to do with needing her approval, but I don't understand it.

I think I may be growing up...

I think I may be starting to grow up. I want more in life. I want to be someone. I want to be the person that people are proud of. But like I said I am staring to grow up, not that I am yet but I think I am.

I just turned 41 years old and thanks to a very important person in my life, I have finally started thinking and doing somethings for myself. The last 20 years of my life have been about the kids and my husband. I want to go back to school, I really do and I think I will start with 1 summer on-line class. Not to much, but enough to get my feet wet again, then maybe dive in in the fall.

I don't know how to explain it but there just seems to be more of a calm about life now then there was 10 years ago. I have learned to breathe, take and deep breath, then just ease in.

I don't have to start off yelling then kick the door in just to get inside. You laugh but you know that is how I spent my twenty's and most of my thirty's. Now, shoot I'll just sit on the porch till someone shows up to unlock it if I don't have a (clue) key...

I left out a very important person

Wow it's been 5 months since I last blog. Believe it or not I really do want to do this. I just have no idea what I'm doing. I can't attach this to my ping.fm or you will get my daily posts and since starting this I have become addicted to farmville and cafeville on facebOok so that pretty much takes up all my free time and some that's not.

I just read my first post and I realize that I left out a very important person.

Marissa Valentine is my 19 year other daughter and she just isn't a part of our lives anymore. I love her as much as if she were my own, and I feel as if our family is not a whole without her but I must give her space until the day she decides she wants us a part of her life. She is in college now and on her own with a job and a apartment. I hope she knows how proud of her I am.