Saturday, July 21, 2012

I have never been one to hide my feelings very well. If I am happy, sad, angry, hungry, sleepy you will be the first one to know. It is just who I am. I am not a fake person in any means, I do not hide any part of my life from anyone nor do I want to. For the most part I do not lie, at least not about the big things. If you ask me a question I will answer you, you may not like it but if you have asked something, I will be respectful enough to answer you. I answer every single question ever asked of me, and if you request something of me I will do my best to fulfill it. Yes I am a people pleaser. Yes I have insecurities about not being loved or wanted, which brings me to the point of this post. 

What a difference a year has made. Literally. I was going through photos from this time last year and Wow has my life changed. If you know me personally apparently it's hard work being my friend and apparently the fact that I take everything to heart is the main reason why I don't have any friends. Or that at least seems to be the reason why one year later I have lost almost all 24 people that are in the photos. 

I seem to be the reason why my relationships with everyone in my family are on "hold". Which by the way leads me to a whole another issue, who says that? Besides children ages 12-16, who puts a lifelong relationship on hold based on someone else's feelings? One may say, No one does, but one would be wrong. One may say, well one shouldn't care, if you’re not worth their time, then they shouldn't be worth yours, right? Yes, you would be right.

That is not the way it works for me, because for better or worse I do have feelings. I care, I really do honestly care and if you are a part of my life it's because I care about you. So telling me that our relationship is on hold well, you should have just cut my heart out, because as far as our relationship goes I no longer have one. 

I am not the best writer by any means, but I try. I have rewritten this post 3 times already and might I add while on vacation. This vacation has been bittersweet for me because I am having the best time I have ever had here but at a great cost. I have hiked everyday here in the Sierra Mountains which I have not done since I was a child. I have fished with my Dad; I have been able to take a million photos every day. My family and I went out on a boat for a day and my godson was able to watch my son catch a fish up close and personal. I have even cooked 3 pretty good meals a day while we have been here camping. 

Despite all the fun that my family is insisting that I have every day, my heart still aches. So after I have finished the dishes for the night I write, or at least try to. It is not easy for me to spend time doing things for myself; in fact it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I would much rather be doing for others. (Hence the hiking, family request, I comply.)

My family has been coming here to this camp ground my whole life in fact even before I was born. It has always been the one great pleasure of my Father's life. He seems to be a peace while here. For me it's not so much, I would much rather be anywhere but here, until I get here then I am so glad I came. I enjoy it here because my whole family enjoys it here. I see the smiling faces when they have caught a fish or racing each other up another mountain. I love, love, love the fact that there are no phone service, no internet, not even a TV! It just quality time with my beautiful family. 

Eleven years ago in this same exact place I lost who was once called a family member. She did and said something to my 10 year old child that was at the time unforgivable to me. So as the years went by I learned to live without her in my life but every year that I return here I am only reminded. Sometimes I just sit here and wonder what I should have done differently to still have her a part of my life, but I can't find a thing. 

The last 2 years and 10 months I had become very close to another extended family member which was hard for me because I had such trust issues because of other people in my life. But despite it all I let her in, I opened my heart and I trusted and believed everything she ever told me. Only to be torn to pieces. If only I had not done what my heart told me was okay to do. If only I had just kept my mouth shut I would still have the remits of a family. It hurts me every day and I have moments when I will just start crying then I wipe my tears and move on. 

I have decided from all the bad will come good, I will spend quality time with my family; I do not have to be anywhere but here with them. I do not have to have material things or people in my life because it is already full. I am so very blessed to have the life, Children, and Husband I have but will never feel the need to have to rub it or any other blessings I may have in anyone's nose. I promise to continue to give what I am able to give to others in my life. I promise to be a friend that a friend would like to have. 

It is hard for me because unlike other issues in my life I know what I could and should have done differently. But the most painful thing of all was finding out just how little I really did mean to the single most important person in my life. 

I will forever love you also but I deserved to be treated better than being put on "hold", goodbye..

To Let Go ~


To let go doesn't mean to stop caring, it means that I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization that I can't control another.
To let go is not to unable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go was not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go as not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become whatever dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to feel less and to love more.