Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I was never meant to have a friend

Maybe there is a reason why I have never had very many close friends. I am so lousy at it. I really am the worse friend a person could have. The will is there, I want to be a good friend to everyone, but never seem to be to, and in return no one is to me. 

It's like any other relationship right? NO it's not because it really is more work than a "relationship" because there is no commitment. You are not commitment to your friends any more than they are to you. If they choose that something else is more important than that is what it is. Whether it hurts you or them it is what it is, that is part of being friends you learn to take them as they are and still love them. 

The idea of having a friend waiting on the other end just to tell me how their day was and what happened at work is a nice thought but I know that will never happen again for me. I will never have that. I will never have a person that I could call anytime of day or night and except that they will care why I am calling. Maybe this goes back to not feeling connected to anyone. I don't have a connection to anyone in my life. 

As much as I want to have a best friend I just don't see it ever happening again... I don't see anyone in my life making a commitment to me unless a piece of paper tells them they have to, (until they choose something else as well). 

I have lost so many people I care about that are still alive and there is nothing I can do expect sit and wait for them to decide that I am important again. But when they decide will I even want them to be part of my life again? I guess that will depend on how important they were to me in the first place. I do not open myself to very many people because of this and the more it happens the less I will try. So maybe I was never meant to have a friend.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

I need it to stop hurting

My heart hurts, my chest hurts, my face is raw and I need it to all stop hurting. I should go see someone about this but if I did they would probably lock me up for a 72 hour hold. I feel like I am losing my mind, all I do is cry, and no one cares. Not one person in this house even ask if I am okay. Maybe it is because it is all they have seen in the last year.

Sometimes I feel like this all people hear from me. James this, James that, but I have to admit he is a huge part of my heart. And not seeing or speaking to him hurts me everyday. I have went through so many different phases this last year about losing him, at this point I just want it to be over with. I want everything to get back to normal and I want all the drama to stop.

But I am slowly learning that what I think is normal will never be again. Michael (ex-husband) and James (oldest son) are just not a part of my life any more. Now I'm sure sometime in the future James will be again but it will not be for a while. I found out by going through his facebook this week that James has been doing drugs. So I lost my mind again, with both of them, only to wake with regret and have done nothing but cry since. One good thing that came out of this incident is that he deleted me, now I can't read it even if I wanted to I don't have to ever see it again.

I haven't done my school work which is very important to me but there is just nothing willing me to do anything. I even deleted my facebook account, but found out that once you enter the Facebook world you can never really leave. Even if you deactivate your account it's kind of like you are just turning off the lights and it is waiting for you just to turn it back on. Everything on the Profile stays the same, it is just turned off.

Regrettable by doing that I also found out that NOBODY even missed me. Not one person even knew I was gone, not even my own husband knew what I had done.  I hate feeling like this, sad and needy. I just want it to be done once and for all, just be done. So that's all for now, I'm sure I'll feel better later...

Thursday, September 2, 2010

It's been while

So I finally decided to post another blog and realized it has been a very long time since the last one. Wow and have some things changed in my life. Well, I have been to a depression and back... I have let go of my oldest son, which was the single most hardest thing I have ever done in my life (which by the way caused the depression). And I have started back to school (which by the way pulled me out of the depression). 

So much has happen in my life, I wish I was a better writer, or at least someone who could reminder to do it more than twice a year. Life is pretty good these days, I am happy with the way things are today. 

I decided to start back to school after a conversion with my older brother. I had been wanting to but like everything else that is for me I put it off. So John confirmed that the credits would be transferable if I choose to transfer and there it was no more excuses. 

I was in the middle of Baseball/Softball Season, trying to work, oh and trying to have a nervous breakdown because my oldest had lost him Damn mind, and it hit me, when was there ever going to be a good time? When do I make the time for me? So I drove mile down the street and went to the school and left there a student, everything signed, including all the financial information ( was able to get it all on line). I did not talk to anyone about it I just went and did it. Then a month later my classes started and oh yeah I still had not told my family yet. Needless to say they were quit surprised to learn what I had done and what I was doing.

It has been an adjustment for them, dealing with everything not being just about them. And now some of things are about Mom, and what Mom may need or want. For the most part it has been a good thing, they give me my study time and have even helped me out a little bit. 

It has consumed my life I do not have time for anything else. I wake up I read and read and read then I will usually work on my posts or assignments at night while they are all at football practice. I like it, as hard as it seems sometimes I really do like the challenge, and I like having something to do that is for me. Something that is going to make me a better person. Now let's just keep our fingers crossed that I finish....