Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I was never meant to have a friend

Maybe there is a reason why I have never had very many close friends. I am so lousy at it. I really am the worse friend a person could have. The will is there, I want to be a good friend to everyone, but never seem to be to, and in return no one is to me. 

It's like any other relationship right? NO it's not because it really is more work than a "relationship" because there is no commitment. You are not commitment to your friends any more than they are to you. If they choose that something else is more important than that is what it is. Whether it hurts you or them it is what it is, that is part of being friends you learn to take them as they are and still love them. 

The idea of having a friend waiting on the other end just to tell me how their day was and what happened at work is a nice thought but I know that will never happen again for me. I will never have that. I will never have a person that I could call anytime of day or night and except that they will care why I am calling. Maybe this goes back to not feeling connected to anyone. I don't have a connection to anyone in my life. 

As much as I want to have a best friend I just don't see it ever happening again... I don't see anyone in my life making a commitment to me unless a piece of paper tells them they have to, (until they choose something else as well). 

I have lost so many people I care about that are still alive and there is nothing I can do expect sit and wait for them to decide that I am important again. But when they decide will I even want them to be part of my life again? I guess that will depend on how important they were to me in the first place. I do not open myself to very many people because of this and the more it happens the less I will try. So maybe I was never meant to have a friend.

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