Monday, November 29, 2010

How do you sleep?

I logged on today wanting to post somethings that I need to say out loud somewhere, and then I just spent the last hour and half reading someone else blog crying my eyes out so that should set the tone really well for this post.

I actually have a few things I wanted to write about, I wish I would get on here more often and write.

I would like to start with school, for the first time in my life I am really enjoying it. It has taken over my life and is quit the daily challenge but I love it! The best part is that I am also doing pretty well. It takes a lot for me to understand some things but I work really hard and my grades have been my own personal reward. I have a 1000 word essay due in two weeks that has me very stressed, but the way I look at it is, if that is all I have to be stressed about, well then I'm good...

Up next is the Golden Child, remember the one that I lost my mind over this last year, well not a damn thing has changed in his life except the way I handle him. I swear I will go to my grave, Never EVER, enabling him EVER again. I will always love him more than life it self, but I will not continue to be part of him ruining his life.

Last October before his 19th birthday he finally decided to have his own opinion, that did not go over well, as controlling as I had always been over him and since then he has spent the last year trying to find his own space in time. He will, he will because he is a great kid with the biggest heart of almost anyone I know, so I know he will be okay. It's getting him away from people whom still enable him to do nothing with his life, which leads me to my next issue...

I heard a song today which was the inspiration for me wanting to write. Jesse McCartney - How do sleep? It's been about a year now - Ain't seen or heard from you - I been missin' you crazy - How do you how do you sleep - Damn those sweet memories - How do you how do you sleep -

If you never understand one thing about please try and understand that a piece of my heart will always belong to Michael. He was my soul mate, we were meant to spend our lives together but life chose a different path for us, Michael, drugs and 15 years in prison, me - I had our son to rise.

Even through a divorce and a new marriage I still kept Michael in life, he was gone but still in my heart. So when he finally was home our boy was a man, and my soul belonged to another. Because of my craziness and all this drama with our son that I have blamed him for -It's been about a year now, I ain't seen or heard from him, I been missin' him crazy how do you sleep damn those sweet memories, how to you how do sleep?

For 28 years he was there, somewhere he was there. Now there is no contact we may never speak again, but I will always love him and that will never change, I just hope I can stop hating him.

I'm going to call this one in. Hopefully I'll be back soon. 

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