Approval

Well this is a perfect example of the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing... I wrote this following blog last April 21st and though it was posted just found it and realized it was not posted. Okay so now I will post and move on to the next.


I didn't realize how needy I had become, till I saw myself wanting her approval. I lost my mother 13 years ago, I lost one of my grandmothers 10 years ago and the other one 6 years ago, I lost my sister 4 years ago and I have never had a relationship with my evil mother in law. I was very close to both my ex sister in laws and still kinda am with one but it's not the same as it use to be. I've had a couple of really close girl friends but we have went a stray as well.

I didn't realize how much I missed having a "women" figure person in my life, till I was making dinner for my current sister in law and her friends. I wanted her approval so bad, and still don't know why. I seem to be this lost puppy following everything she does, except of course her kick boxing, which proves to me she has to be crazy! She has inspired me in ways she will never even know. She makes me want to be a better person. I just can't figure out why now, why have I latch on to her, like if I let go, I will drown. She has been a part of my life now for almost 10 years, with a couple of up and downs.

I'm confused, I'm sure it has more to do with not having a "women" person in my life, than it does have to do with needing her approval, but I don't understand it.

I think I may be growing up...

I think I may be starting to grow up. I want more in life. I want to be someone. I want to be the person that people are proud of. But like I said I am staring to grow up, not that I am yet but I think I am.

I just turned 41 years old and thanks to a very important person in my life, I have finally started thinking and doing somethings for myself. The last 20 years of my life have been about the kids and my husband. I want to go back to school, I really do and I think I will start with 1 summer on-line class. Not to much, but enough to get my feet wet again, then maybe dive in in the fall.

I don't know how to explain it but there just seems to be more of a calm about life now then there was 10 years ago. I have learned to breathe, take and deep breath, then just ease in.

I don't have to start off yelling then kick the door in just to get inside. You laugh but you know that is how I spent my twenty's and most of my thirty's. Now, shoot I'll just sit on the porch till someone shows up to unlock it if I don't have a (clue) key...

I left out a very important person

Wow it's been 5 months since I last blog. Believe it or not I really do want to do this. I just have no idea what I'm doing. I can't attach this to my ping.fm or you will get my daily posts and since starting this I have become addicted to farmville and cafeville on facebOok so that pretty much takes up all my free time and some that's not.

I just read my first post and I realize that I left out a very important person.

Marissa Valentine is my 19 year other daughter and she just isn't a part of our lives anymore. I love her as much as if she were my own, and I feel as if our family is not a whole without her but I must give her space until the day she decides she wants us a part of her life. She is in college now and on her own with a job and a apartment. I hope she knows how proud of her I am.

I have no idea what I'm doing...

I have always wanted to blog, but have never known how to do it. I admire my sister-in-laws courage to share her feelings with the world and has inspired me to try as well. Although I am not as open with my feelings but maybe I should try to be.

There are so many things I would just love to put in writing for the world to read, I just don't know how to say it.

Maybe this is a beginning.

I just turned 40 years old this year. I have given birth to 5 children, 3 of which are my own. My oldest is almost 19 and has started collage and I have 12 year old twins that are starting Jr. High on Monday. The other 2 children I had were both surrogate children I had for 2 other couples. One of which is 4 years old and the other one is almost 2.

I am currently married to my second husband whom I love very much but can't stand sometimes. (I think he may be the reason I should start blogging!) We both work with teenagers at the same place and we own our owe business which involves even more kids.

Well that’s me…