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Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Saturday, July 21, 2012
I have never been one to hide my feelings very well. If I am happy, sad, angry, hungry, sleepy you will be the first one to know. It is just who I am. I am not a fake person in any means, I do not hide any part of my life from anyone nor do I want to. For the most part I do not lie, at least not about the big things. If you ask me a question I will answer you, you may not like it but if you have asked something, I will be respectful enough to answer you. I answer every single question ever asked of me, and if you request something of me I will do my best to fulfill it. Yes I am a people pleaser. Yes I have insecurities about not being loved or wanted, which brings me to the point of this post.
What a difference a year has made. Literally. I was going through photos from this time last year and Wow has my life changed. If you know me personally apparently it's hard work being my friend and apparently the fact that I take everything to heart is the main reason why I don't have any friends. Or that at least seems to be the reason why one year later I have lost almost all 24 people that are in the photos.
I seem to be the reason why my relationships with everyone in my family are on "hold". Which by the way leads me to a whole another issue, who says that? Besides children ages 12-16, who puts a lifelong relationship on hold based on someone else's feelings? One may say, No one does, but one would be wrong. One may say, well one shouldn't care, if you’re not worth their time, then they shouldn't be worth yours, right? Yes, you would be right.
That is not the way it works for me, because for better or worse I do have feelings. I care, I really do honestly care and if you are a part of my life it's because I care about you. So telling me that our relationship is on hold well, you should have just cut my heart out, because as far as our relationship goes I no longer have one.
I am not the best writer by any means, but I try. I have rewritten this post 3 times already and might I add while on vacation. This vacation has been bittersweet for me because I am having the best time I have ever had here but at a great cost. I have hiked everyday here in the Sierra Mountains which I have not done since I was a child. I have fished with my Dad; I have been able to take a million photos every day. My family and I went out on a boat for a day and my godson was able to watch my son catch a fish up close and personal. I have even cooked 3 pretty good meals a day while we have been here camping.
Despite all the fun that my family is insisting that I have every day, my heart still aches. So after I have finished the dishes for the night I write, or at least try to. It is not easy for me to spend time doing things for myself; in fact it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I would much rather be doing for others. (Hence the hiking, family request, I comply.)
My family has been coming here to this camp ground my whole life in fact even before I was born. It has always been the one great pleasure of my Father's life. He seems to be a peace while here. For me it's not so much, I would much rather be anywhere but here, until I get here then I am so glad I came. I enjoy it here because my whole family enjoys it here. I see the smiling faces when they have caught a fish or racing each other up another mountain. I love, love, love the fact that there are no phone service, no internet, not even a TV! It just quality time with my beautiful family.
Eleven years ago in this same exact place I lost who was once called a family member. She did and said something to my 10 year old child that was at the time unforgivable to me. So as the years went by I learned to live without her in my life but every year that I return here I am only reminded. Sometimes I just sit here and wonder what I should have done differently to still have her a part of my life, but I can't find a thing.
The last 2 years and 10 months I had become very close to another extended family member which was hard for me because I had such trust issues because of other people in my life. But despite it all I let her in, I opened my heart and I trusted and believed everything she ever told me. Only to be torn to pieces. If only I had not done what my heart told me was okay to do. If only I had just kept my mouth shut I would still have the remits of a family. It hurts me every day and I have moments when I will just start crying then I wipe my tears and move on.
I have decided from all the bad will come good, I will spend quality time with my family; I do not have to be anywhere but here with them. I do not have to have material things or people in my life because it is already full. I am so very blessed to have the life, Children, and Husband I have but will never feel the need to have to rub it or any other blessings I may have in anyone's nose. I promise to continue to give what I am able to give to others in my life. I promise to be a friend that a friend would like to have.
It is hard for me because unlike other issues in my life I know what I could and should have done differently. But the most painful thing of all was finding out just how little I really did mean to the single most important person in my life.
I will forever love you also but I deserved to be treated better than being put on "hold", goodbye..
To Let Go ~
TO LET GO ~
To let go doesn't mean to stop caring, it means that I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization that I can't control another.
To let go is not to unable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go was not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go as not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become whatever dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to feel less and to love more.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Time
I am now in my ninth month of College, more than half way through my first year. Wow where has all the time went? I know everyone says that but I really mean it, where has all the time went? Getting up and doing my school work as just become a way of life now. I have organized it into my days just like anything else. I can remember nine months ago when I was so scared to even start much less even think of finishing someday.
Update as of 3-18-2011 ~ She made the TEAM!!!!!
Although nine months ago I was working a bit more than I am now, and my wallet is starting to feel that difference, but I'm just not getting the calls for work like I use too. I don't understand that because I am one of the most qualified subs the district has.
I miss it, I miss getting up and going to work and feeling like I am contributing to the family finances instead of just taking from them. But maybe someday after I have my degree I will be able to get a better job than a school district sub. Maybe...
Other than that I have to say things are pretty good right now. My twins are getting ready to finish the 8th grade, my oldest son finally has a job and has paid off all his tickets, got his license back, and is finally back on track. My husband is good, back to coaching baseball again.
I have enjoyed cooking a lot more lately because it seems when ever I do more people show up to eat it. There really isn't a more pleasurable thing for a Mom than seeing a house full of kids, family and friends full from what ever you have fed them and sitting around enjoying each others company. Ron and I have been so blessed with so many young people in our lives and it just fills my heart to have them here and apart of our everyday lives.
There really is never enough hours in a day to get everything done that needs to be done, I have just decided to enjoy everything that I am doing and everyone I am doing it with.
It makes me a little sad to think how fast the next fours years are going to fly by, and I will be sitting here blogging about the twins graduating from High School. I really really want to enjoy every moment of it, I want us to stop and smell the flowers, take it all in and look up, so that we can remember it all!
This next week is the unofficial official start of my daughter starting High School. As of March 14th she has Cheerleading Tryouts. And then they graduate 8th Grade in May and David starts Football in June. It is all so exciting I can't wait, the events, the games, the dances, the ups the downs, all of it! I do not want to forgot a second of the adventure we are about to embark on.
Update as of 3-18-2011 ~ She made the TEAM!!!!!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Please Do Not Steal From Me, I promise I will share.
I have recently picked up a few new hobbies. One being amateur photography, two editing those pictures and three learning how to do it all is a hobby in it self!
I have always loved taking pictures of everyone around me, never really liked having pictures taken of myself thought. That is until I realized that I wasn't in any of them. How were there ever going to be memories of me if I didn't allow someone to take my pictures? So I now have more pictures with Tamara than I do "with" my first born son. Maybe it's my age but I like to enjoy the memories of the moments.
This year with the help of my Husband I want to have a picture of me and as many Facebook Friends as possible.
So I started the year off with a Big Bang! I was off and rolling got a lot of pictures at different family events all the month of January.
Then it happened...
My pictures were no longer my pictures they were on other peoples posts and pages and tags everywhere except where I had put them! So I took them all down {except for ones with Johnny and Tamara}
One family member decided she was going to question my decision about sharing my pictures~
Okay People, I take the picture because I enjoy it, I share them because I love everyone that I take a picture of. Please don’t take them and try and pass them off as ours. It is just RUDE.
February 10 at 5:26pm
February 10 at 6:34pm
February 10 at 10:28pm
February 18 at 6:24pm
February 18 at 7:04pm
February 19 at 11:51am
February 19 at 1:41pm
February 19 at 2:42pm
February 19 at 2:52pm
Now although she did so sincerely appolgize to me here she posted this just a few days later on her facebook page after she posted some pictures at her boyfriends dinner ~
February 27 at 8:54pm
February 27 at 9:15pm
I don't know what to do or not to do it because it is Ron's family and I really do not want him to lose anyone else, but this whole thing has really hurt me.
So now I have an even bigger challage on my hands because I really want a lot of those pictures up. I have been researching and trying to pick a web site that "does" pictures like the one here on google - picasa 3 or windows live photo but it is a lot of work and for what?
Really what am I doing all this work for? Nobody out there cares about my pictures but me! Just Kidding I know there are a few people...
So between that and going through and editing the hundreds of pictures from Sissy's Softball and David's Baseball I have quite a task on my hands.
I think my new water maker will be @atruemom what do think?
Monday, January 31, 2011
I'm not going to lie...
So I asked him why he resented me so much that he would cause all of this within the family and he replied, “I don’t, they ask me things and I just tell them, I’m not going to lie about anything.”
My two oldest nieces had a huge fight last week because of me, because I live in my father’s home and parts of the family have taken a pond themselves to make it their business. It doesn’t help that my father chooses to involve anyone that listen in on our daily lives. Things that go on in every home in United States of America, but not everyone have someone announcing it all.
My father has always been an enabler in every relationship he has had. If he is not able to enable then he doesn’t have the relationship. By being an enabler, then everyone else around him can and does pity him. I truly do not think my father could go on living if someone was not feeling sorry for him.
He comes from a different time and is a honorable man that will write you a check for any amount but would never pick up the phone to call you and ask how are you, I miss you or even I love you. Yes it is true, my father has never told me that he loves me, but that’s another blog.
Back to the girls, they had a huge fight because the oldest one voiced her unknowing opinion about our living arrangements, and the younger one voiced her knowing opinion (because she has been here every weekend for 3 months). The argument went on and on, but what I don’t understand is why? Why does my father have to fuel the fire, why does he have to say things to Christy or Jimmy? Now all this talk and gossiping is now affecting the grandchildren.
So I asked him why he resented me so much that he would cause all of this within the family and he replied, “I don’t, they ask me things and I just tell them, I’m not going to lie about anything.” Then I said, “But Dad what about all the good things about us living here you never talk about that.” He said, “No, because there has never been one good thing about you living here”
As I walked away speechless and crying my eyes out I thought to myself, I promise to never treat my children like that, and then my second thought was how very much I miss my Mom.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
2011 SUPERBOWL
Many have asked how it is I manage to have a team in the Superbowl every year, well let me explain.
I start off the season as a New York Giants Fan (because that is what my whole family is) Then I move on to who ever bets them, and so on and so on until I am in the Superbowl! I almost didn't make it to the playoff this year because the Colts almost lost the Titans and the Titans were already knocked of the playoffs. But that was the case so Here I am! Another Team in the Superbowl!!!
| WEEK | MY TEAM | OTHER TEAM | |
| 1 | GIANTS | VS. | PANTHERS |
| 2 | GIANTS | VS. | COLTS |
| 3 | COLTS | VS. | BRONCOS |
| 4 | COLTS | VS. | JAGUARS |
| 5 | JAGUARS | VS. | BILLS |
| 6 | JAGUARS | VS. | TITANS |
| 7 | TITANS | VS. | EAGLES |
| 8 | TITANS | VS. | CHARGERS |
| 9 | CHARGERS | VS. | TEXAS |
| 10 | CHARGERS | VS. | BRONCOS |
| 11 | CHARGERS | VS. | COLTS |
| 12 | CHARGERS | VS. | RAIDERS |
| 13 | RAIDERS | VS. | JAGUARS |
| 14 | JAGUARS | VS. | COLTS |
| 15 | COLTS | VS. | RAIDERS |
| 16 | COLTS | VS. | TITANS |
| 17 | COLTS | VS. | JETS |
| 18 | JETS | VS. | PATRIOTS |
| 19 | JETS | VS. | STEELERS |
| 20 | STEELERS | VS | PACKERS |
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