I have no idea what I'm doing. . .

Time

2011-03-10T04:47:00.000-08:00

I am now in my ninth month of College, more than half way through my first year. Wow where has all the time went? I know everyone says that but I really mean it, where has all the time went? Getting up and doing my school work as just become a way of life now. I have organized it into my days just like anything else. I can remember nine months ago when I was so scared to even start much less even think of finishing someday.

Although nine months ago I was working a bit more than I am now, and my wallet is starting to feel that difference, but I'm just not getting the calls for work like I use too. I don't understand that because I am one of the most qualified subs the district has.

I miss it, I miss getting up and going to work and feeling like I am contributing to the family finances instead of just taking from them. But maybe someday after I have my degree I will be able to get a better job than a school district sub. Maybe...

Other than that I have to say things are pretty good right now. My twins are getting ready to finish the 8th grade, my oldest son finally has a job and has paid off all his tickets, got his license back, and is finally back on track. My husband is good, back to coaching baseball again.

I have enjoyed cooking a lot more lately because it seems when ever I do more people show up to eat it. There really isn't a more pleasurable thing for a Mom than seeing a house full of kids, family and friends full from what ever you have fed them and sitting around enjoying each others company. Ron and I have been so blessed with so many young people in our lives and it just fills my heart to have them here and apart of our everyday lives.

There really is never enough hours in a day to get everything done that needs to be done, I have just decided to enjoy everything that I am doing and everyone I am doing it with.

It makes me a little sad to think how fast the next fours years are going to fly by, and I will be sitting here blogging about the twins graduating from High School. I really really want to enjoy every moment of it, I want us to stop and smell the flowers, take it all in and look up, so that we can remember it all!

This next week is the unofficial official start of my daughter starting High School. As of March 14th she has Cheerleading Tryouts. And then they graduate 8th Grade in May and David starts Football in June. It is all so exciting I can't wait, the events, the games, the dances, the ups the downs, all of it! I do not want to forgot a second of the adventure we are about to embark on.

Update as of 3-18-2011 ~ She made the TEAM!!!!!

Please Do Not Steal From Me, I promise I will share.

2011-03-04T20:26:00.000-08:00

I have recently picked up a few new hobbies. One being amateur photography, two editing those pictures and three learning how to do it all is a hobby in it self!

I have always loved taking pictures of everyone around me, never really liked having pictures taken of myself thought. That is until I realized that I wasn't in any of them. How were there ever going to be memories of me if I didn't allow someone to take my pictures? So I now have more pictures with Tamara than I do "with" my first born son. Maybe it's my age but I like to enjoy the memories of the moments.

This year with the help of my Husband I want to have a picture of me and as many Facebook Friends as possible.

So I started the year off with a Big Bang! I was off and rolling got a lot of pictures at different family events all the month of January.

Then it happened...

My pictures were no longer my pictures they were on other peoples posts and pages and tags everywhere except where I had put them! So I took them all down {except for ones with Johnny and Tamara}

One family member decided she was going to question my decision about sharing my pictures~

Okay People, I take the picture because I enjoy it, I share them because I love everyone that I take a picture of. Please don’t take them and try and pass them off as ours. It is just RUDE.

February 10 at 5:26pm

~~?Robison~~ What the heck are you talking about?

February 10 at 6:34pm

~~Cindy Cooper~~ ‎??

February 10 at 10:28pm

~~DivaCowgirl~~ She means don't post the pics as your own on your page and untag her from them.

February 18 at 6:24pm

~~Cindy Cooper~~ Oh ok I get it... I totally understand!! I HATE when people do that crap to me to!!

February 18 at 7:04pm

~~?Robison~~ Wow. Isn't it called sharing? Play nice Kim.

February 19 at 11:51am

~~Kimberley Robison~~ Yes ~~?Robison~~ I was "sharing" that is why I posted them, to share… But a lot of MY pictures were taken from me and are being passed off as other peoples and I feel it is rude.

February 19 at 1:41pm

~~?Robison~~ So I can actually take a pic from u?

February 19 at 2:42pm

~~?Robison~~ I think it was me. Good reason though, it's complicated. I am Still kind of new to Facebook too. So sorry didn't mean to do all that! Lol. Wow, everyone just calm down! Haha guess that means I'm not your favorite sister n law anymore? I'm devastated!

February 19 at 2:52pm

Now although she did so sincerely appolgize to me here she posted this just a few days later on her facebook page after she posted some pictures at her boyfriends dinner ~

~~?Robison~~ Share and share alike! If anyone wants to take my pictures and own them........GO FOR IT! I don't mind and I never will. Life is too short.

February 27 at 8:54pm

~~Ron Robison~~ That's why we didn't get an invite

February 27 at 9:15pm

I don't know what to do or not to do it because it is Ron's family and I really do not want him to lose anyone else, but this whole thing has really hurt me.

So now I have an even bigger challage on my hands because I really want a lot of those pictures up. I have been researching and trying to pick a web site that "does" pictures like the one here on google - picasa 3 or windows live photo but it is a lot of work and for what?

Really what am I doing all this work for? Nobody out there cares about my pictures but me! Just Kidding I know there are a few people...

So between that and going through and editing the hundreds of pictures from Sissy's Softball and David's Baseball I have quite a task on my hands.

I think my new water maker will be @atruemom what do think?

I'm not going to lie...

2011-01-31T20:00:00.000-08:00

My two oldest nieces had a huge fight last week because of me, because I live in my father’s home and parts of the family have taken a pond themselves to make it their business. It doesn’t help that my father chooses to involve anyone that listen in on our daily lives. Things that go on in every home in United States of America, but not everyone have someone announcing it all.

My father has always been an enabler in every relationship he has had. If he is not able to enable then he doesn’t have the relationship. By being an enabler, then everyone else around him can and does pity him. I truly do not think my father could go on living if someone was not feeling sorry for him.

He comes from a different time and is a honorable man that will write you a check for any amount but would never pick up the phone to call you and ask how are you, I miss you or even I love you. Yes it is true, my father has never told me that he loves me, but that’s another blog.

Back to the girls, they had a huge fight because the oldest one voiced her unknowing opinion about our living arrangements, and the younger one voiced her knowing opinion (because she has been here every weekend for 3 months). The argument went on and on, but what I don’t understand is why? Why does my father have to fuel the fire, why does he have to say things to Christy or Jimmy? Now all this talk and gossiping is now affecting the grandchildren.

So I asked him why he resented me so much that he would cause all of this within the family and he replied, “I don’t, they ask me things and I just tell them, I’m not going to lie about anything.” Then I said, “But Dad what about all the good things about us living here you never talk about that.” He said, “No, because there has never been one good thing about you living here”

As I walked away speechless and crying my eyes out I thought to myself, I promise to never treat my children like that, and then my second thought was how very much I miss my Mom.

2011 SUPERBOWL

2011-01-27T10:03:00.000-08:00

Many have asked how it is I manage to have a team in the Superbowl every year, well let me explain.

I start off the season as a New York Giants Fan (because that is what my whole family is) Then I move on to who ever bets them, and so on and so on until I am in the Superbowl! I almost didn't make it to the playoff this year because the Colts almost lost the Titans and the Titans were already knocked of the playoffs. But that was the case so Here I am! Another Team in the Superbowl!!!

WEEK	MY TEAM		OTHER TEAM
1	GIANTS	VS.	PANTHERS
2	GIANTS	VS.	COLTS
3	COLTS	VS.	BRONCOS
4	COLTS	VS.	JAGUARS
5	JAGUARS	VS.	BILLS
6	JAGUARS	VS.	TITANS
7	TITANS	VS.	EAGLES
8	TITANS	VS.	CHARGERS
9	CHARGERS	VS.	TEXAS
10	CHARGERS	VS.	BRONCOS
11	CHARGERS	VS.	COLTS
12	CHARGERS	VS.	RAIDERS
13	RAIDERS	VS.	JAGUARS
14	JAGUARS	VS.	COLTS
15	COLTS	VS.	RAIDERS
16	COLTS	VS.	TITANS
17	COLTS	VS.	JETS
18	JETS	VS.	PATRIOTS
19	JETS	VS.	STEELERS
20	STEELERS	VS	PACKERS

Christmas Sucks...,

2010-12-27T19:38:00.000-08:00

I am not a religious person, in fact I do not even know exactly what we are suppose to be celebrating and if we are WHY does it require us spending so much money? There seems to be so much put on us emotionally on the holidays, and I Hate it! Like the Rest of the year just doesn't matter!

This year my Husband's other daughter didn't show up because she didn't have a car... my Mother in Law didn't bother to show up because she wasn't invited... Younger Brother didn't show up because he wasn't invited... Older brother decided he needed a break, and took off to Palm Springs... So it was me and my Family and I was very grateful my oldest son was hear to spend the night and day with us, my father, and my two beautiful nieces. It seemed as if we were being haunted by the one's who were not here. The house was happy but at the same time seemed empty.

I am a very black and white person, there is right and there is wrong, it doesn't matter if you are invited, or need a break the holidays are expected to be spent with family, period. In my eyes that is just the way it is. Now do I realize that not everyone in the world is as smart as me, yes I do. I have never been able to put myself before anyone much less before the ones I care about and the fact that they do hurts my heart.

I feel this wall going back up that I have tried so very hard to knock down and by the way, keep down, but it is just easier to build it stronger than to keep fighting to keep it down. I mean really neither brother bother to call, text, or even email me so really what the hell is the point. When I do stop trying neither one of the will even notice, it will just be saving me all the heartache of trying.

So it is not just Christmas that Sucks it is my families prioritizes and their thoughtless actions.But on a positive note I made a GREAT Meal and shared it with Great People who cared enough to spend it with me.

How do you sleep?

2010-11-29T16:25:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bsXRqI1WbI

I logged on today wanting to post somethings that I need to say out loud somewhere, and then I just spent the last hour and half reading someone else blog crying my eyes out so that should set the tone really well for this post.

I actually have a few things I wanted to write about, I wish I would get on here more often and write.

I would like to start with school, for the first time in my life I am really enjoying it. It has taken over my life and is quit the daily challenge but I love it! The best part is that I am also doing pretty well. It takes a lot for me to understand some things but I work really hard and my grades have been my own personal reward. I have a 1000 word essay due in two weeks that has me very stressed, but the way I look at it is, if that is all I have to be stressed about, well then I'm good...

Up next is the Golden Child, remember the one that I lost my mind over this last year, well not a damn thing has changed in his life except the way I handle him. I swear I will go to my grave, Never EVER, enabling him EVER again. I will always love him more than life it self, but I will not continue to be part of him ruining his life.

Last October before his 19th birthday he finally decided to have his own opinion, that did not go over well, as controlling as I had always been over him and since then he has spent the last year trying to find his own space in time. He will, he will because he is a great kid with the biggest heart of almost anyone I know, so I know he will be okay. It's getting him away from people whom still enable him to do nothing with his life, which leads me to my next issue...

I heard a song today which was the inspiration for me wanting to write. Jesse McCartney - How do sleep? It's been about a year now - Ain't seen or heard from you - I been missin' you crazy - How do you how do you sleep - Damn those sweet memories - How do you how do you sleep -

If you never understand one thing about please try and understand that a piece of my heart will always belong to Michael. He was my soul mate, we were meant to spend our lives together but life chose a different path for us, Michael, drugs and 15 years in prison, me - I had our son to rise.

Even through a divorce and a new marriage I still kept Michael in life, he was gone but still in my heart. So when he finally was home our boy was a man, and my soul belonged to another. Because of my craziness and all this drama with our son that I have blamed him for -It's been about a year now, I ain't seen or heard from him, I been missin' him crazy how do you sleep damn those sweet memories, how to you how do sleep?

For 28 years he was there, somewhere he was there. Now there is no contact we may never speak again, but I will always love him and that will never change, I just hope I can stop hating him.

I'm going to call this one in. Hopefully I'll be back soon.

I was never meant to have a friend

2010-09-22T13:13:00.000-07:00

Maybe there is a reason why I have never had very many close friends. I am so lousy at it. I really am the worse friend a person could have. The will is there, I want to be a good friend to everyone, but never seem to be to, and in return no one is to me.

It's like any other relationship right? NO it's not because it really is more work than a "relationship" because there is no commitment. You are not commitment to your friends any more than they are to you. If they choose that something else is more important than that is what it is. Whether it hurts you or them it is what it is, that is part of being friends you learn to take them as they are and still love them.

The idea of having a friend waiting on the other end just to tell me how their day was and what happened at work is a nice thought but I know that will never happen again for me. I will never have that. I will never have a person that I could call anytime of day or night and except that they will care why I am calling. Maybe this goes back to not feeling connected to anyone. I don't have a connection to anyone in my life.

As much as I want to have a best friend I just don't see it ever happening again... I don't see anyone in my life making a commitment to me unless a piece of paper tells them they have to, (until they choose something else as well).

I have lost so many people I care about that are still alive and there is nothing I can do expect sit and wait for them to decide that I am important again. But when they decide will I even want them to be part of my life again? I guess that will depend on how important they were to me in the first place. I do not open myself to very many people because of this and the more it happens the less I will try. So maybe I was never meant to have a friend.

I need it to stop hurting

2010-09-16T17:51:00.000-07:00

My heart hurts, my chest hurts, my face is raw and I need it to all stop hurting. I should go see someone about this but if I did they would probably lock me up for a 72 hour hold. I feel like I am losing my mind, all I do is cry, and no one cares. Not one person in this house even ask if I am okay. Maybe it is because it is all they have seen in the last year.

Sometimes I feel like this all people hear from me. James this, James that, but I have to admit he is a huge part of my heart. And not seeing or speaking to him hurts me everyday. I have went through so many different phases this last year about losing him, at this point I just want it to be over with. I want everything to get back to normal and I want all the drama to stop.

But I am slowly learning that what I think is normal will never be again. Michael (ex-husband) and James (oldest son) are just not a part of my life any more. Now I'm sure sometime in the future James will be again but it will not be for a while. I found out by going through his facebook this week that James has been doing drugs. So I lost my mind again, with both of them, only to wake with regret and have done nothing but cry since. One good thing that came out of this incident is that he deleted me, now I can't read it even if I wanted to I don't have to ever see it again.

I haven't done my school work which is very important to me but there is just nothing willing me to do anything. I even deleted my facebook account, but found out that once you enter the Facebook world you can never really leave. Even if you deactivate your account it's kind of like you are just turning off the lights and it is waiting for you just to turn it back on. Everything on the Profile stays the same, it is just turned off.

Regrettable by doing that I also found out that NOBODY even missed me. Not one person even knew I was gone, not even my own husband knew what I had done. I hate feeling like this, sad and needy. I just want it to be done once and for all, just be done. So that's all for now, I'm sure I'll feel better later...

It's been while

2010-09-02T14:17:00.000-07:00

So I finally decided to post another blog and realized it has been a very long time since the last one. Wow and have some things changed in my life. Well, I have been to a depression and back... I have let go of my oldest son, which was the single most hardest thing I have ever done in my life (which by the way caused the depression). And I have started back to school (which by the way pulled me out of the depression).

So much has happen in my life, I wish I was a better writer, or at least someone who could reminder to do it more than twice a year. Life is pretty good these days, I am happy with the way things are today.

I decided to start back to school after a conversion with my older brother. I had been wanting to but like everything else that is for me I put it off. So John confirmed that the credits would be transferable if I choose to transfer and there it was no more excuses.

I was in the middle of Baseball/Softball Season, trying to work, oh and trying to have a nervous breakdown because my oldest had lost him Damn mind, and it hit me, when was there ever going to be a good time? When do I make the time for me? So I drove mile down the street and went to the school and left there a student, everything signed, including all the financial information ( was able to get it all on line). I did not talk to anyone about it I just went and did it. Then a month later my classes started and oh yeah I still had not told my family yet. Needless to say they were quit surprised to learn what I had done and what I was doing.

It has been an adjustment for them, dealing with everything not being just about them. And now some of things are about Mom, and what Mom may need or want. For the most part it has been a good thing, they give me my study time and have even helped me out a little bit.

It has consumed my life I do not have time for anything else. I wake up I read and read and read then I will usually work on my posts or assignments at night while they are all at football practice. I like it, as hard as it seems sometimes I really do like the challenge, and I like having something to do that is for me. Something that is going to make me a better person. Now let's just keep our fingers crossed that I finish....

Approval

2010-04-21T13:18:00.001-07:00

Well this is a perfect example of the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing... I wrote this following blog last April 21st and though it was posted just found it and realized it was not posted. Okay so now I will post and move on to the next.

I didn't realize how needy I had become, till I saw myself wanting her approval. I lost my mother 13 years ago, I lost one of my grandmothers 10 years ago and the other one 6 years ago, I lost my sister 4 years ago and I have never had a relationship with my evil mother in law. I was very close to both my ex sister in laws and still kinda am with one but it's not the same as it use to be. I've had a couple of really close girl friends but we have went a stray as well.

I didn't realize how much I missed having a "women" figure person in my life, till I was making dinner for my current sister in law and her friends. I wanted her approval so bad, and still don't know why. I seem to be this lost puppy following everything she does, except of course her kick boxing, which proves to me she has to be crazy! She has inspired me in ways she will never even know. She makes me want to be a better person. I just can't figure out why now, why have I latch on to her, like if I let go, I will drown. She has been a part of my life now for almost 10 years, with a couple of up and downs.

I'm confused, I'm sure it has more to do with not having a "women" person in my life, than it does have to do with needing her approval, but I don't understand it.

I think I may be growing up...

2010-03-27T10:37:00.000-07:00

I think I may be starting to grow up. I want more in life. I want to be someone. I want to be the person that people are proud of. But like I said I am staring to grow up, not that I am yet but I think I am.

I just turned 41 years old and thanks to a very important person in my life, I have finally started thinking and doing somethings for myself. The last 20 years of my life have been about the kids and my husband. I want to go back to school, I really do and I think I will start with 1 summer on-line class. Not to much, but enough to get my feet wet again, then maybe dive in in the fall.

I don't know how to explain it but there just seems to be more of a calm about life now then there was 10 years ago. I have learned to breathe, take and deep breath, then just ease in.

I don't have to start off yelling then kick the door in just to get inside. You laugh but you know that is how I spent my twenty's and most of my thirty's. Now, shoot I'll just sit on the porch till someone shows up to unlock it if I don't have a (clue) key...

I left out a very important person

2010-01-15T01:16:00.000-08:00

Wow it's been 5 months since I last blog. Believe it or not I really do want to do this. I just have no idea what I'm doing. I can't attach this to my ping.fm or you will get my daily posts and since starting this I have become addicted to farmville and cafeville on facebOok so that pretty much takes up all my free time and some that's not.

I just read my first post and I realize that I left out a very important person.

Marissa Valentine is my 19 year other daughter and she just isn't a part of our lives anymore. I love her as much as if she were my own, and I feel as if our family is not a whole without her but I must give her space until the day she decides she wants us a part of her life. She is in college now and on her own with a job and a apartment. I hope she knows how proud of her I am.

I have no idea what I'm doing...

2009-08-07T01:27:00.000-07:00

I have always wanted to blog, but have never known how to do it. I admire my sister-in-laws courage to share her feelings with the world and has inspired me to try as well. Although I am not as open with my feelings but maybe I should try to be.

There are so many things I would just love to put in writing for the world to read, I just don't know how to say it.

Maybe this is a beginning.

I just turned 40 years old this year. I have given birth to 5 children, 3 of which are my own. My oldest is almost 19 and has started collage and I have 12 year old twins that are starting Jr. High on Monday. The other 2 children I had were both surrogate children I had for 2 other couples. One of which is 4 years old and the other one is almost 2.

I am currently married to my second husband whom I love very much but can't stand sometimes. (I think he may be the reason I should start blogging!) We both work with teenagers at the same place and we own our owe business which involves even more kids.

Well that’s me…